life isnt as perfect as i want or need it to be. everytime i get close to true happiness... it fades away. then, im left with nothing. emptiness. my friend turned her back on me. my family doesnt care. or think about it. im alone. deeply scarred by the pain i get so filled with. i laugh with everyone. but when night falls. the tears fall, too. then i get to see. no one beside me. the voices in me jeer and sneer. they echo a thousand times in my head. i bury my face in my pillow and sob. why cant things be just a lil easier for me. Im in that hole i was covered over in months ago from pills and loneliness. now it returns. but the cause is love. i trust too many people. and only to find at the end of all i give. why cant anyone just lie to me. make me believe im loved for all time. let me live in a fantasy then i'll fly away from here. let me fly away with a smile. why does it have to be hate and indifference veron? hate her. she's worthless and fake. i dont get my own life anymore. ive tried to reach out and grasp on to someone or something. but i always become stuck in their lies and torment. their lies throw me to the heavens. but their truths discovered banishes me to hell. lie to me. for all you want. then let me believe in it. never tell me the hurting truths. ive thought about suicide so much. more than beautiful dreams and fairytales. when i stuff myself with pills i landed with just tummyaches three times. pharqued up in failure. im just trying too hard. should just figure out something more permanent and creative. then i question myself. do i really want to do this? then... how bout those who'd made me believe they loved me. even for a moment in time. yet again, so many other people make me feel dying is the easiest way. she makes me feel that way most. i try to ignore. but after a while it sinks in and rips me apart. and i dont have time to rebuild myself when im takin in large amounts of hatred. every night I ask Him the same questions. why did You put me here? why did You make me breathe? could you change me back to dust and and lay me out across the land called Alone? id rather be alone. than scared and empty. i guess Im writin this to clear my mind and hammer down those walls. or im trying to explain to some people how i really feel. no. i dont feel anything now. char said i was a fish. cold-blooded. she felt as though she was talking to an icy cold block. i know how much you hate me for taking those pills. but like what i said the positive never balances with the negative. no matter how much you insulted me. i didnt give a hoot. didnt feel happy that someone was trying to help me. didnt feel sad that someone was insulting me. whatever. i dont know. dont wish to know. i'll never be able to answer my questions. kenn you guys were misleaded. totally. absolutely. Sorry to all the ones i love. i aint sure if you all love me like i do. and the friend i truly love. i believe i dont deserve anything in return but cold stares. Dad. im sorry you dont place your complete trust in me anymore. Sorry that I understood you wrong. I cant be perfect at anything. never did. I dont deserve to even be your daughter. I guess doing nothing is worse than trying something. Im deeply sorry. dearest bro. youre special to me. the love you shared for me while you were havin loads of fun with me in America. I can't thank you enough. you flood my sea of memories. im proud of you bro. im glad i have a bro like you. happy with all the quarrels and fights and nonsense we had. nette- youre like my wings. you never fail to lift me off my load. then you bring me to the rainbows. and say hello to the stars. -smiles-. pings. im sorry i cannot be your one best friend. im not up to the mark. i cant help you with your mum. youre like a beautifully stained glass. the most wonderful art ever. thank God youre my answered prayer. mum you take care. and dont leave this world early in life. you need to stay alive and keep me on tract with my own. youve been there for me. for all my life. maybe longer. and im not dead. because of you. if one day you leave this world later than i do, throw those memories of nights we sat together crying. keep those that we sat together laughing. those melodies u love that i play on the piano for you everynight. keep singing them to yourself. then one day when we meet again, we'll do the chacha tango latin waltz... all the steps you've taught me in heaven. every time daddy makes you cry. fold your fingers together and pray. joe i wonder if we'll ever be friends again. if we'll ever hang out and have fun again. i miss you too much. -shrugs- i shudnt be saying this. shudnt.

dont let others pull you away from me. i'll forever be broken and lost without your love. i cant breathe without you. please don't suffocate me...Im done here. Im done with me...

bitinn` awayy at 8:17 AM

Love makes me slice my wrist
I've gotten so attached I cant resist
Love makes me want to cry
I've been used so long I cant deny
Love rips my heart in two
Leaving sad thoughts that just consume
Love keeps my mind in knots
Entangling such pain I cant go on
Love creeps into my soul
Cutting everything leaving me cold
Love is a sick diease
Slowly I'm dying and I couldnt see
Love makes life into a sin
I'm always left alone inside my head
Love is a poison that seems to stay
It eats away my life and leaves me so gray

bitinn` awayy at 7:05 AM